I've never had a problem with the month of September. September and I have always been buddies. Usually, it's February and March that I got beef with. But this September has been an utter shit show. Between 2 family members passing, hours being cut at work which lead to me being flat broke, and some other stressful situations...just wake me up when September ends. This entire month I have been overwhelmed, stressed, and just plain fucking sad.
To top it all off, the past few days I've been sick. The only silver lining of this was having an excuse to hole up in my room and watch copious amounts of YouTube. While falling down my usual youtube rabbit hole today, I stumbled upon a video by influencer Jenn Im entitled “Loving Myself Based on My Love Languages.” The premise of the video was that she did 5 things for herself for her birthday. Each thing she did was based on one of the 5 love languages, starting from her least important love language, to her most. Her most important love language- like mine- is Words of Affirmation. While her other treats were things like “get my nails done” and “get a massage” or “clean the house,” her most important one was writing herself a love letter for her birthday. It ended up being very beautiful, personal and vulnerable. I couldn’t help but cry with her as she cried and told herself that she loved her and was proud of her.
Tonight I was having a particularly rough night and I was in desperate need of Words of Affirmation but my brain was trying to convince me that I didn't deserve them or that asking for them would burden or annoy my loved ones. So tonight, as I was having some very dark thoughts, I decided to channel my energy into writing myself a letter despite feeling very sad and lonely at the moment. Also, my birthday is coming up so...perfect timing.
This is what happened:
Happy birthday. I know things are hard right now and it doesn’t seem like a very happy birthday (although chill your birthday's not for two weeks, things might get a lot better by then!!) I know you feel alone and lost and like a failure right now, but you’re not. You’re not alone. It might seem that way because you love so deeply and need people so much, and you haven’t been hugged in a long time, but so many people love you. So many people care that you are here. So many people are so proud to have you in their lives, and would not be the same if you didn’t exist. Right now you’re feeling like this year has been a total shit show and you haven’t progressed at all. Sure, you didn’t land a role, you didn’t move out, and you’re still single. there’s a million ways in which you could convince yourself that the negative thoughts are true. But you’re looking at life and success from the wrong perspective.
Think of all that you’ve done and gained. All that you’ve learned about yourself and all the people you have in your life now. I for one, am so proud of you. I’m not just proud of what you’ve accomplished but of who you are. If you’ve learned anything this year you’ve learned just how wonderful a person you are. Look how many people have come to your aid, or who have proclaimed that they love you and would stand by your side. How many people have reached out to you in good times and bad, just to tell you that they are rooting for you. People you know well and people who you weren’t even aware noticed you.
Look at all the people who have gravitated towards you and invited you to be a part of their circle. And they are all quality people, think about that and think about how that reflects on you. Quality people surround themselves with quality people and you, babygirl are fucking quality people.
So celebrate this birthday. Perhaps celebrate harder than usual. You’re in pain right now, and that’s okay babygirl. It’ll get better, and you’ll grab life by the reins again. Just have faith. Bitch, you might even feel better tomorrow- a silver lining of rapid mood swings lol. You know it’s always worth it to hold on, just recount all the wonderful things that have happened every time you held on.
You are unsinkable. Maybe not unmovable- but that’s what makes you so lovable, you are so moved by everything you experience. Never let anyone convince you that’s a character flaw. It is beautiful and you are a beautiful soul. You feel right down to your toes and through to your soul. You love with your whole heart and this year has also taught you that it is OKAY to love. You have met people who encourage you to be you and to love, rather than ridicule you and tell you to rein it in. So you may be movable but little one: you are unsinkable. You will always rise above and you will always bring people up with you. It’s who you are, and who you are is worth celebrating.
I know I’m not always so kind to you. In fact, sometimes I’m the voice in your head telling you the exact opposite of all this...but another wonderful thing about you is you never let well enough alone. You always try to be better and make things better. When people look at you and ask you why you’re so obsessed with your mental health when you’re doing seemingly okay, you look back and say “because okay isn’t good. And good isn’t great and great isn’t wonderful. And I deserve wonderful. We all do.”
You are always actively trying to grow and be better, and I promise you I’m along for the ride, even when it seems like I’m not. You are not a failure. The only way to fail is to not try, and let someone tell you that you don’t try. I’ll school them.
This year has been a year of growing and being real with yourself and learning who you are. Next year is going to bring you some more of that, and maybe some shitty days too, but you cannot go backward, baby. It’s just not possible and it’s not who you are. I’d say you’re going to skyrocket, but you already are. It’s just hard to see from where you’re standing.
You are brave and strong, and soft and vulnerable and smart and empathetic and talented and lovable and worth so much more than you have ever believed.
You are so so so so beautiful from the inside out, and my only wish for you on your birthday is for you to believe that with your whole heart. So celebrate you, angel. Celebrate you. Today and every day.
Love always, forever, sometimes, never, MariaElisa